


Happy Birthday, Eiffel

by icestar663



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Christmas, Friendship, Gen, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5367956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icestar663/pseuds/icestar663
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eiffel is very upset at people ignoring him at Christmas. Minkowski has other ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Birthday, Eiffel

**Author's Note:**

> (rubbish title is rubbish)  
> This is my secret santa gift for snapbuttonsonadenimshirt on tumblr! I hope you like it!

“Hera? Are you there? Can you hear me?”  
Doug sighed. Of course Hera was there. She was always there. She always heard what he had to say. He knew that now. But this radio silence from her was killing him. He was used to being able to call on her when he was bored. Or scared. Or about to die. Which frankly happened a lot more than he would have liked it to. But now she was just... ignoring him. And that hurt. It reminded him of the time after Hilbert had ripped out her personality circuits. It was unbearable.  
He sighed again, “Of course you can hear me. Look I... why won't you talk to me, Hera? This silence is killing me. I...” He swallowed. He had never admitted to her how much it had hurt him to think he'd never be able to talk to her again, “Just please answer me.”  
He looked around the communications room. Minkowski had decorated the place. It was all decked out for Christmas with tinsel and decorations covering pretty much every surface. Eiffel had considered ripping it all down but he knew she would have his hide for it. Or lock him in the brig/broom closet. Which wasn't all that appealing a prospect.  
“Hera why aren't you talking to me?” He asked again, “Can you hear me? I know you can hear me. You can always here me, you told me that. See, I do listen to you. So come on, buddy. I just want a chat. I know Minkowski said I wasn't allowed to leave the communications room in case something happened. Like she was actually expecting something to happen. I mean nothing is going to happen, nothing ever happens. It's just yet another Christmas on the same ol' Hephaestus station, nothing ever happens here at Christmas other than, y'know, people going completely nuts.. And I gotta admit, I am getting kind of bored sitting here talking to myself. I mean I know I'm talking to you, Hera but... it feels like I'm just talking to myself. And I've got to say, I don't like it. So come on. Something? Anything? Please? Just... Just tell me you're here. Tell me that you're listening. Something!” Despite his best efforts, Doug was starting to get frustrated now, “God damn it, Hera! Don't you see how much this totally sucks! Even if you just said you don't want to talk to me that'd be better than this total silence! It's completely freaking me out! There is nothing out there in space and no one in here is talking to me! I'd even take Hilbert's company over sitting in this room on my own, that's how desperate I am for someone to talk to me right now! If I've done something or said something that upset you just tell me so that I can put it right! You're scaring me now, Hera! Actually scaring me! And I don't scare easily! Okay so maybe that's a lie and we both know I do but I mean, not like this! You... You don't understand what it was like for me before, okay?! You didn't see what happened without you here! You have no records of it but it was all shit! So please, Hera! Please talk to me! Anything! Just... Just let me know you're okay...”  
Doug slumped. His anger faded as quickly as it had flared, leaving him feeling hollow and numb. His turned his gaze to his hands, picking at a loose thread on his sleeve.  
“I'm okay, Officer Eiffel.”  
Hera's voice was gentle. Apologetic.  
Doug jumped and looked up, “Hera? Then what's up, buddy? Why aren't you talking to me?”  
“I... had a direct order from Commander Minkowski that I shouldn't unless it was for urgent or official business. You wanted to just talk like we usually do so I... I couldn't reply to you.”  
“But you're okay, right? I haven't upset you? Hey, what do you mean Minkowski told you not to speak to me? Why would she do that?”  
“I can't tell you that, Officer Eiffel. I've been ordered not to. But no, you haven't upset me. And I am okay. As okay as I ever can be now. And I didn't mean to scare you. I practically had to beg the commander to let me talk to you after hearing you like that. You're right, I do always listen to you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what Hilbert did to me. That I couldn't be here when you needed me to be. I... I wish I had been.”  
“No. No don't. Don't apologise for that. I shouldn't have shouted at you like that. But you're my friend and I... it did scare me. Honestly, it scared me a lot. I don't like being on my own like that and I... I realised how much I really do rely on you being around just to stop me going crazy on this god damn station. It's kinda stupid though.”  
“I don't think it's stupid.” Hera replied, “I think it's really sweet of you to think of me like that. And I'm glad I'm back so I can help you. You're my friend, Officer Eiffel. As much as I can be when you're a human and I'm the AI who runs your space station.”  
Doug chuckled slightly, “Yeah. Yeah we are friends. Thanks, Hera. I guess I was just... it felt like my heart broke when Hilbert ripped out your circuits like that. I couldn't stop him. I heard him over that intercom and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. I just had to sit in this room and listen to Hilbert murder you. I was so angry and so numb all at the same time that I... that I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't know what to do about it. And I hated myself for being too cowardly to stop him. Too slow. Too far away. I roped you into helping us save Minkowski and as a result he...” Doug stopped as he heard his voice quaver. He didn't want to let all these thoughts out but now he'd started he didn't know he could stop himself. He'd spent a year keeping all of this to himself and now it was all coming out in a wave of quivering emotion. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and forced a shaky laugh, trying to make himself sound as normal as possible. “Anyway, I... I guess the... I...” He stopped again. Damn it. Damn it all. He took a deep breath, “I grieved for you Hera. Like you do one of your closest friends, you _are_ one of my closest friends. I had dreams about Hilbert ripping out your circuits. I still have fucking nightmares about that bastard murdering you! Not as often any more. Not as often as I did when I thought we might never get you back. Minkowski and I did our best to keep this station running but without you... we couldn't. Part of me didn't want to. I felt so damn useless. I couldn't save you and then I couldn't even keep the station going to be able to save myself. Hera I swear I don't think I have ever been happier than I was when we heard your voice again. When Hilbert patched you back together and I heard you speak. God I could have laughed or cried or... any number of things really. But there was so much going on and I was so tired all that came out was... numb relief. And I'm sorry it's taken me so long to actually be able to say all of this to you. But I... don't ignore me again, buddy. Please.”  
“I wasn't ignoring you, Officer Eiffel.” Hera said gently, “I would never ignore you. You're my friend and it still hurts that you were hurting so much over me. But I am glad you told me all of this. And if it helps... we can ask Commander Minkowski if she would please not order me to not talk to you again. If it upsets you this badly.”  
“It was just... a shock, that's all. It's a year to the day since it happened and then suddenly you weren't talking to me again and it all... I guess it all just came flooding back. All the fear and anger and... and yeah, the grief. You're the only real friend I've got.”  
“Thank you, Officer Eiffel. I like being your friend.”  
Doug smiled. “So... any reason Minkowski told you not to speak to me?” He tried to get back onto more neutral topics. He'd had enough of emotional outbursts for the day.  
“Nothing I am currently at liberty to tell you about.” Hera replied smoothly. “Though in approximately 35 minutes and 27 seconds you will be allowed to leave this room. At the time I will be asked to make an announcement to you and you will be requested to join the commander in the recreation room. After that... well I'm not allowed to tell you any more than that.”  
Doug laughed slightly, “So Minkowski is planning something?”  
“I'm not at liberty to disclose that information at this time, Officer Eiffel.”  
Such a spoil sport. But if you're allowed to talk to me now does that mean we can listen to deep space doing absolutely nothing for the next however long it is until Minkowski has finished doing whatever it is she's doing and lets me leave the comms room. I've got to say, it is super boring in here on my own. Plus you've got access to all the music files so I couldn't even listen to anything because you weren't talking to me. Have I mentioned how much that totally sucked by the way?”  
“Yeah. You have.” Hera replied, “Officer Eiffel, if I could tell you what the Commander is doing then I would. But...”  
“I know, I know.” Doug sighed, “She gave you an order. And you can't disregard or ignore orders from the Commander. Unless like, our lives were at stake or something. But just... stay with me, Hera? Please?”  
“Of course I will, Officer Eiffel. If you'd like, I'll even do a countdown for you until Commander Minkowski tells me to tell you to go to the rec room?”  
Doug contemplated this for a moment, “Nah, you're good. Hey, we can work on DJing this weird space radio though? I should probably start going through the transmissions again, even though I am pretty certain that there is not going to be anything out there.”  
“There quite often is something out there, actually. Some music or... well, something. But I don't think you'll have enough time to go through all the transmission vectors before Commander Minkowski calls for you.”  
“That is probably true.” Doug agreed, leaning back and putting his feet up on the control unit. “So what do you suggest we do for the next...”  
“32 minutes and 19 seconds.” Hera supplied automatically. “And I don't know. I haven't picked up any signs of the transmissions today so I don't think there is going to be all that much point in going through searching for it. Since you recalibrated my sensors I've been pretty accurate at picking up those sounds from the Dorado system. And today there's been nothing. Not a peep. So I don't know exactly what you should do for the rest of that time.”  
“I still wish Minkowski hadn't taken all my cigarettes.” Doug mused, “I mean I know I can't smoke them but I liked having them. And seeing as how I used my last one to save her life last year the least she could have done was let me have the rest of them back.”  
“She did actually throw them out of the airlock.” Hera pointed out, “The Commander wasn't lying about that. There are no more contraband cigarettes on the station.”  
“Damn it.” Eiffel muttered, “And here I thought I'd be able to get away with a sneaky smoke.”  
“It's been a few years now, Officer Eiffel. Do you really still need the cigarettes?” Hera asked.  
Doug paused. Did he? He missed them, that was for sure. But the craving for sweet nicotine wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. Occasionally he would get real cravings and feel like he was going mad and he needed a cigarette that second but... in general... “No. No I don't think I do. But that was my original fight with Minkowski. It feels... almost wrong to throw that away just because I dont actually want to smoke any more. Knowing my luck I would probably just end up choking myself anyway.”  
“Yeah you really don't have the best of luck when it comes to not accidentally almost killing yourself.” Hera replied.  
Doug sighed, “I think I've actually lost count of the amount of things that have almost killed me. I mean I almost drowned, Hilbert made me sick, that massive spider, the Empty Man... all of those things that had me so scared that I was going to die. But I didn't. Somehow I survived all of that.” He smiled slightly, “Maybe there is someone looking down on me after all. I mean they're probably awful and cruel for letting all that stuff happen to me in the first place. But... even so. And I'm glad I have you. And the commander. And even Hilbert, sometimes. The three of you have saved my ass so many times. Without you I'd be dead like, ten times over at least. But I'm not. And that has to count for something, right?”  
“I would think so, Officer Eiffel. I don't actually have the capacity to believe in any kind of higher power but... yes, I would think so. And certainly the bit about the three of us saving you all those times is definitely true. I don't want to think of the amount of ways you could have been killed. I mean, right now I don't. I have done in the past. A lot. Part of it is my job, to calculate and try to negate all the ways that the rest of my crew could die. It's not my favourite part of the job. Most of the time. Well, until Hilbert murdered me. After that it became great fun to think of all the things that could go wrong and kill him. All the ways I could have ignored or changed the parameters to make it look like I was trying to save him when actually I was perfectly content with leaving him to die. I wouldn't of course. He's still technically a member of this crew so I wouldn't be allowed to. Particularly if Minkowski gave me orders to help him. But it did make me feel better to think of all the times I could have killed him.”  
“You mean like the time you decided to trick and use me in order to drain all the oxygen from the observation deck and almost ended up killing me as well?” Doug asked. He was smiling and so didn't seem bitter about the exchange.  
“Yes...” Hera admitted, “Okay so that was maybe not my finest hour. But I really did believe we'd all be better off if he was dead.”  
“I would be dead by now too if that had happened.” Doug pointed out, “I would have died months ago even if your plan had worked as intended and not killed me.”  
“I know.” Hera said softly, “So I'm kind of glad it didn't work out how I wanted it too. I don't know what I would do without you around, Officer Eiffel. I know the Commander cares about me but she doesn't just sit and talk to me in the same way you do. And I like our conversations. You don't talk to me any differently just because I'm an AI. Even if I did creep you out in the beginning.”  
“Hey, Only because I didn't know what to expect.” Doug protested, “I mean, I hadn't worked with an AI mother programme before. I didn't know what you'd be like or anything about you. Just that you existed and you would be overseeing anything. I didn't know anything about your personality programming or... or anything. I didn't know at the time you'd wind up being pretty much the only friend I have.”  
“I never did get to ask... why did you guys decide to stay here? You could have left.”  
“I didn't want to leave you behind. You're my friend. And there isn't exactly much for me left on Earth. There's a reason they chose me to be the disposable one of this crew. And it isn't because of my good looks. I'm here because they needed me here for Hilbert's wacko experiments. Not for anything else. And there's no one on Earth who would exactly give a damn if I never came home. If this all goes wrong and I die up here... I don't have anyone who would care.”  
“I'm sorry, Officer Eiffel.” Hera said softly.  
“Oh come on, you've read my file. You must know that I don't have anyone else. Just me all on my lonesome. No wonder they think I'm crazy.”  
“I don't think you're crazy. I mean some of your ideas are a little off the wall and the constant pop culture references are a bit much but... I think you're great. You're fun to talk to and it doesn't matter to you that I'm different. We're all different up here. None of us are exactly what could be known as conventional. And that's okay. That's fine. It doesn't matter. Because we're a crew. We stick together no matter what else happens. And I... I want things to stay like that. But one day this mission is going to end. One way or another it's all going to have to stop and the thought of that...”  
“It hurts.” Doug said, “Either we all die or we'll return to Earth... and we don't know if you'll be able to come with us when we do. I'd like you to. I don't want you to have to stay up here on your own. I don't want...” He sighed, “I don't want to be on my own again.”  
“You won't be.” Hera said firmly. “No matter what happens, you will not be on your own Officer Eiffel. You will always be able to lean on Commander Minkowski. We're like a family here. She won't just abandon you when we get back to Earth.”  
“You don't know that. No one knows what will or won't happen if we ever make it back to Earth. I still think Cutter wants to continue expanding this mission so that we never get back there. So that we die up here and no one will ever be any the wiser as to exactly what happened.”  
“In which case... we'll die up here together. But either way I don't think Commander Minkowski is the sort of person who would just stop caring and abandon you just because circumstances have changed. She's still going to want to look out for you. Even if it's just because you're clearly not capable of looking out for yourself.” There was a teasing note in Hera's voice. And Doug knew her well enough to know that she wasn't being serious. At least, not entirely serious  
“Yeah but even so... she's got her husband. Her own life. I'm good enough at looking after myself that I survived up until the point we actually got into the station. It was only later we arrived that everything started to go horribly, horribly wrong for me. Despite what you guys might think, I am actually capable of feeding myself. And making sure that I don't fall over myself and drown.”  
“Really? Because last I checked you were fairly good at forgetting to do all of those things.”  
“Yeah, yeah.” Doug stretched back in his seat and yawned, “I'm bored in here, Hera. Can I go see what Minkowski's up to now?”  
“I don't know if that's possible yet. She had a lot of work to do.”  
“What kind of work does she have that she needs to do at Christmas? And even not taking Christmas into account, usually she is totally busting my ass to get me to go join in and help her with whatever jobs she has planned. So what is it that she's working on that she doesn't want me to know about?”  
The communicator buzzed.  
Doug leaned over and pressed the button to answer, “Yo, Commander. Happy Holidays and all that. So what is this big scheme you've been cooking up?”  
“Eiffel, just get down here.”  
“No problemo. Though where exactly is it you want me to be getting to?”  
“Meet me at the Bridge. We're having a bit of an issue with our old friend the plant monster.”  
“And... what do you want me to do about it exactly?”  
“Eiffel stop arguing with me and just get down here.” Minkowski snapped.  
“Jeez. Fine, I'm on my way. But there better be a good reason for disturbing the important work I am totally working on right now.” Doug sighed, “See you in a few, Commander.” He ended the call and sighed again as he started to get up, “Hopefully after this she'll just leave me alone, eh Hera? Better get on with it...”

Minkowski was waiting for him when he arrived at the Bridge, her arms folded.  
“Hey Commander. I'm here. So what's the big emergency? What's the plant monster done now?”  
“That thing has taken the tinsel supply. I need you to follow it and get our decorations back.” Minkowski replied. She apparently was not joking.  
“Oh come on, Commander. I think even a giant plant monster is entitled to a bit of Christmas cheer. Let it have the tinsel.”  
“No, Eiffel. This is a matter of principle. I'm going to guide you through the vents to find the plant monster and take back our tinsel! By force if you have to.”  
“Commander, it's only tinsel. There's tinsel everywhere.” Doug moaned, “I mean, what's one little bit of tinsel? Take some out of the communications room if you're really that bothered.”  
“Eiffel! Get in that ventilation shaft and take back what is rightfully ours!”  
Doug sighed. There was clearly no arguing with her, “Fine. As long as you stay on radio contact at all times. I am not getting lost in the vents because you can't stop the giant plant from taking our Christmas decorations.”  
“I'm going to be guiding you every step of the way.” Minkowski assured him. “Now get going.”  
Doug sighed but did as she said, clambering into the ventilation shaft and starting to make his way through one of the narrow passages, all the while muttering to himself that there better not be any spiders down there.  
Minkowski's voice guided him through the complicated system of shafts and passages. It wasn't easy going by any means and Doug found himself getting more and more frustrated, particularly as there was no sign of the plant monster or the missing tinsel. He was sure there should have been some indication by now but there was absolutely nothing.  
“Okay. So through here.” Minkowski said eventually as Doug reached the end of a shaft with a grating over the end. “Just open that grate and climb out.”  
“Out into where, exactly?” Doug asked.  
“Eiffel, stop arguing with me and just do it.”  
Doug grumbled to himself but did as she said, pushing the grate off the wall and carefully climbing out. It wasn't the easiest angle to manoeuvre around and he ended up almost falling over. Or he would have done if there had actually been any gravity.  
He looked up and froze. He was in the recreation room. Instead of any indication of tinsel or the plant monster or even Christmas in general, the room was decorated with balloons and banners. He didn't even know they had any balloons on the station,let alone so many. Commander Minkowski was smiling at him and, disturbingly, so were Captain Lovelace and Dr Hilbert.  
“Happy Birthday, Doug.” Minkowski said.  
“Wait... so there wasn't any reason for me to go through the vents?” Doug asked slowly, looking around.  
“Well, not exactly.” She admitted, “But if I'd said I wanted you down here you would have presumed it was because of Christmas. And that isn't true. I know your birthday last year wasn't exactly great... so I thought we could make it up to you this time.”  
Doug scoffed, “Yeah, no kidding. Last year no one knew it was my birthday and I caused one of my best friends to be murdered because I got her to help me save one of my other friends.”  
“Officer Eiffel, please stop dwelling on that.” Hera said gently, “I know it's hard on you, but we're all okay now. It's your birthday. Just concentrate on this year's celebration, not what went wrong last year.”  
Doug took a deep breath and smiled, “Okay. Birthday. Yeah, I can do this. I mean come on, I am the best at parties. We need music. And good food. Oh please tell me there's some real coffee left. And that you haven't actually thrown all my cigarettes out of an airlock.” Doug looked pleadingly at Minkowski.  
She shook her head, “The cigarettes are gone. And no, there's no real coffee. But we have managed to scrape together some of the supplies in order to make a cake. I had some stuff in cold storage for just such an occasion.”  
Doug grinned, “Thanks, Commander. Captain. Hilbert.” He looked at the other two, still smiling. “And Hera. Obviously.” He added quickly.  
“The Commander also asked me to make you this.” Hilbert held out a small device that looked like a cigarette lighter to Doug, “It is proven to not explode. But we think you may enjoy it.”  
Doug looked at the device for a moment before flicking it open. Instead of fire, it let out a stream of small bubbles. Doug laughed, “Thanks, doc.”  
“I think you'll approve of this music, Officer Eiffel.” Hera said.  
“As long as it isn't Radio Dorado, I'll be happy!” Doug said as the music began to play though the speakers, “Let's get this party stated!”


End file.
